I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
