Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
