Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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