i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
