someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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