she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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