I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
