I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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