it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
