my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
