Where is the hickey?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
