haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
