as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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