I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize