Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
