I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
