That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
