i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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