Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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