i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
