This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
