whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
