I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
