I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
