Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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