He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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