The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
