I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
