you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
