my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
