she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
