I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
