This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
