I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
