I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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