We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
