I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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