My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
