i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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