you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
