Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
