I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
