Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
