Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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