woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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