Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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