Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dicks are not precious.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
