dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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