I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
