Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
