god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
