i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Randomize
