Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
