dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
