pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
