Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize