i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
