my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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