Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Randomize
