she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
